Not for the Faint of Heart or How Criminal Minds Relates to My Life

Can you believe that December is already here and well on its way?  Where does the time go?  Seriously, I couldn’t believe that today was the 7th.  So much has been going on lately that November is a blur.  Planning and holding Steph and Arun’s engagement party was both fun and a very busy time.  As those of you who know me can attest, I tend to be my own worst enemy so when I started planning a travel themed party I ended up going off in a bunch of different directions which took planning and time but it was worth it.  Great ideas for my next life as a party planner.
It was very much standing room only with a lot of “excuse me’s” on my part to get in and out of the kitchen to replenish drinks and food.
This was just the dining room
Everyone had a great time.  I still can’t believe that we didn’t break a fire code with so many people gathered in our house at once.  Would have been great to have been raided by the fire department. 

Sorry, getting carried away.  Actually, not very sorry :)
During engagement party planning we also had a Christmas event in our department which I was put in charge of because….well, you know my reputation for fun-filled activities J.  We made each other advent calendars and had to fill them based on the person we each got.  So much fun and a great way for me to use some of the things I’ve had sitting in the toy chest for a long time.
The final product

Had to make everyone a fabulous pair of slippers to wear while making advent calendars
Last week I had laser eye surgery.  It was a now or never kind of thing.  If I wait too long I’d never be able to afford it before retirement.  Not that retirement is anytime soon due to the surgery and the upcoming wedding but still, it was time.
Now for the disclaimer:  the remainder of this blog is not for the faint of heart but you all know how I love a story that makes you squirm.

Do any of you recall the Criminal Minds episode where the psycho taped women’s eyes open while he did horrific things to them?  No?  If you need a refresher or love watching shows like this, here is the link.

All I could think of during the procedure was this episode.  First they bring you to the procedure room and get you comfy on a lying down chair and start putting freezing drops in your eyes.  Then more drops.  By now my vision was  a tad blurry so you’ll have to take my word for the visuals I am going to share. 
While one would think that they would have to keep your eyes open with something like this contraption, they don’t…I think.
What I recall was a white rubbery thing coming towards my eye that seemed like one of these foldable strainers (with a hole in the end).

They put pressure on this and I imagine that the pupil, iris and cornea pop out. Like this.
Then the nurse explains that they are going to make a flap.  Not too many ways to do that right?  More freezing drops.  Did I mention that there are no good drugs going on here?  No being put to sleep.  Relax.  Sure.....
A FLAP!!!  With your eyeball.  Not much you can do at this point but continue on…thinking about the Criminal Minds episode where you can’t look away from the torture that is coming towards you.  I must admit that I tried looking away but they caught me.  Look at the light.  Isn’t that an end of life thing?

So they create a flap and then swing you over to the laser machine.  It is very loud but thankfully doesn’t take long.  All the while the machine is making a ton of noise the nurse is telling you what is going on.  At least I think that’s what she is saying because it is so loud all you hear is:

After they finish with the laser part guess what time it is?  Time to put the flap back.  Picture this.  You are held captive with your eyes held wide open by a rubber strainer and what is coming towards you?  A giant spatula.  You can’t do anything to stop it.  All that is going through your mind is Criminal Minds…yikes.  Closer and closer it comes.  And then it smooths out the flap.  It doesn’t hurt but the thought!  Whew! Done.  Nope, let’s take care of the other eye now. 

Seriously, it only takes maybe 10 minutes but that is a VERY long 10 minutes.  Sigh….all done and off to a chair to recover for about 20 minutes.  Everything is pretty blurry at this point so it is a good thing that they guide you or you  might be walking into a wall instead of walking through a doorway. 

20 minutes later the doctor comes in and you reluctantly say that it feels like there is something in your eye.  Guess what happens next?  Out comes the spatula.  Need to do some more smoothing of the flap.  Eeeeek.  At this point hubby looks away…far, far away.  Thanks for the support dear.  Don’t know why he chose not to watch the procedure when they let you.  I know my friend Pam would have loved to have been there and would have probably videotaped it.

Finally you are on your way home with a bunch of drops.  So nice to go home for a nap.  But guess what?  A nap isn’t a simple thing right now.  No, you can’t go to sleep without covering your eyes so you don’t rub them.  They give you two plastic things that go over your eyes.  Do they put them on an elastic like any good pirate would?  Nope, tape.  They give you a roll of the strongest tape ever. 

Now this wasn’t too bad for a nap but the first night you have to wake up every 2 hours to put drops in.  Do you know why old folks don’t have babies?  Because they can’t and don’t want to wake multiple times a night.  It takes a week to recover.
So every 2 hours the alarm clock goes off and you have to peel the strongest tape ever off your face to install drops.  By morning you have ripped off pieces of your face.  Bad enough that you can’t wear make up for a week (sorry public for scaring you) but now you have strips of peeled flesh on your cheeks.  No one tells you about this.  Forget putting on your old age cream because – screaming!  What does that leave you with?  Tired, bloodshot eyes, lots of wrinkles and no makeup. Super scary.

So, this is like a public service I am doing for you all in case you were considering having the procedure done or watching one that a friend or family member might be having.  
And another PSA:
Every day my eyes get better so it is all worth it.  I wish you all a happy day.  Here's a little something to get this all out of your head.


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